Thursday, April 22, 2010

The right to complain.

In our society the norm is 2 children who are born is a hospital, vaccinated, sleeping alone as soon as possible, breastfed for a few of months, controlled with manipulation (praise or punishment), packed off to daycare, kinder, school and so on and so on. If you stray from these societal norms then you have made a rod for your own back and have no right whatsoever to complain.

I know a woman who is getting a hard time from some family members because she is having a much wanted 4th child. They are putting all sorts of pressure on her to cope no matter if she finds it difficult-because she is "so crazy" to have a "huge" family like that. Bullshit or what?

Women who choose homebirth and need medical assistance are treated with contempt when they enter the hospital system.

The response by the mainstream upon comments that breastfeeding a toddler or tandem feeding is sometimes difficult is usually shock at why you wouldn't "just" wean.

The answer to EVERY co-sleeping complaint is moving them into their own bed/room.

If your child has moments of difficulty when learning outside the school system the answer is to send them to school.

And most behavior related issues (which are usually not issues for the parents!) can be fixed with a star chart or a punishment.


No one tells a mother who is artificially feeding her baby that maybe she should relactate after multiple illnesses and stomach discomfort. They medicate the baby and never suggest that the artificial milk could be the problem. I mean they were formula fed and turned out OK.

No one suggests to a mother who had an unnecessary cesarean that maybe she should avoid the hospital altogether next time and birth at home. In fact it's usually a repeat surgery that's recommended! For safety of all things.

No one says to the parent of a school child who is not enjoying school to take them out. It's just the child adjusting or being lazy (good grief).

No one tells the parent who is trying to sleep train their baby to just put the baby in bed with them and everyone can get more sleep. They are usually told to "stick with it" and "be brave".

It is never suggested that the injury from vaccines is ever worse than the possibility of a disease. If a child is injured (or dies) then they took one for the team.

And families who choose to have two children never have heads shaken at them when they decide to have no more. Their choice is accepted, or even praised if they got *trumpets please* one of each sex.

The thing is no matter what style of parenting you choose or how many kids you have there will be days that are tough. Attachment/connected style parenting is no different. Nor is home/unschooling. The implication that "well you tried your way and it didn't work out" is insulting. The "you made a rod for your own back and now you can deal with it" is just plain infuriating. Parenting is a joy-but it can be hard at times.
Every parent deserves a sympathetic ear and a shoulder to cry on.


Confessions of a Girl said...

I whole Heartingly agree with you. Some of my family members don't even listen to me when i just want to vent about the frustrations of being a sahm. they are basically, 'you made your bed, now sleep in it'...but my lil sis who ff, crib, cio ect gets to go hang out with friends and a babysitter plus a sympathetic ear. it's absurd.

Stitch Sista said...

Awesome post Shae. All too true sadly.

katepickle said...

Ah the joys of being not quite average... no wonder people are parenting on their own instead of sharing the load. Who wants to share the hard times when you are likely to get it thrown back in your face?

Nic said...

Excellent post, and yes all true.

loz said...

well said Shae all to often everyone has an opinion based on their own truths and honestly no one else needs to hear it. Our families are our pride and joy be that if we have 1 or 10 children it is still our perogative

Peace, Love and Breast Milk said...

Fuck yeah, sister!!!!

Kate said...

Turns out aforementioned crazy big family preggo woman is having a homebirth too. Now THAT's gonna make for some interesting conversations ;p

Hands and Hearts said...

Word for word I could write that.
When we 'got out girl' with our 3rd pregnancy we had so many people say 'So you are done now yeah?"
Uh no!

Don't get me started on birthing out of hospy and ruining my childrens lives by not sending them to school. sigh.

Charlotte said...

Excellent post!

But I will say that when I tell people I only want one child (the one I have) I have been told by more than one person that I "can't" have only one and that I'll change my mind! People are fucked and you can't win;)

loz said...

hahaha Kate save yourself the stress don't tell them:p

Hearts seriously I get that now and it drives me insane, 3 has been my number for a long time but so many idiots claim they know our family is complete as afterall we got our girl umm hello we got our boys too just because our daughter was born 3rd doesn't mean anything at all but you see people in our society need to have the answers.

Emma Someone said...

Wordy mcword. I've had bf'ing issues and mostly have worn a variety of things - abm isn't that bad, "just" get some to get you through, how bad can it be, you don't have to be a martyr, I had it / my kids had it and they're fine etc etc - from so many mainstream friends that it's amazing they still have heads and amazing that I still have friends ;). Keep up the good work.

Alice and Mother said...

What a lovely post! How true.

shae said...

Emma Someone- I think that "wordy Mcword" is the highest compliment I've ever received!

Thanks for the comments everyone!

Meg said...

Hey there - I'm not a home-schooler or a tandem feeder or a home-birther but I have 3 young, amazing daughters and celebrate your right to raise your children as you think best. I believe God chose each of us to be mothers to our children because we were the best person for the job and am sad that your 'less than mainstream' choices prohibit you from being free to express your hard days. No matter what philosophy of parenting you have, there are ALWAYS hard times. Just found your blog but loved it - will keep reading!

Outspoken Tomato said...

Tell it like it is! I totally agree!

willflyonwings said...

Hi, I was linked here by a friend.

Very righteous rant. It's frustrating when an 'alternative' is expected to be perfect or else considered a failure.

mum+dad=akira and linkin and elijah said...

I wrote something on a similar train of thought but specifically related to homeschooling so yep, I totally agree with you.

Rainbow JenJen said...

Totally agree!
My tot is going through "seperation anxiety" at the moment and of course it's because of my attached parenting, you know! So I wonder why all his mainstreamed cousins went through the same stage then?

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