Sunday, May 2, 2010

Shitty shitty bang bang-my story

I was linked to this last night and it really cracked me up. Everyone who is a parent has a poo story right? Poo-splosions, Poo-fountains, shit up the back, nappy epic fails and so on.

Here is my story....

My friend came from interstate to visit when Tannah was 5 weeks old. Her son (who is a year older than Tans) has Cerebral Palsy and he aspirated some food while they were visiting which necessitated a trip to hospital. They had to stay in for a few days and I was going in to spend some time with them in the hospital.

Again-Tans was FIVE weeks old. My firstborn. I was still pretty stressed out by trips out. Breastfeeding was still hard and stressful and I was still packing nappy bag we could live out of for a week which I dragged around with me. The Children's Hospital is a half an hour drive from us-the longest drive I'd done alone so far. But I love my friend and her son and I wanted to visit. So off we went.

The drive was a success! Parking-success! (NB-I'm especially crap at parking). I got my nappy bag (read suitcase filled with everything) out and went to get Tannah out of her carseat. I picked her up and thought. "That's odd, why is there shit on my hand?" I turned her around and looked at her back.

You know what I saw right? SHIT EVERYWHERE.

Tannah was a breastfed baby. If you breastfed your baby, even for a few weeks you know what that shit looks like-and how it explodes. She was one of the babies who only crapped about once a week (normal) and it was always change of clothes time. But this was the blue ribbon, best in show, supersized biggest poo-splosion I'd ever seen come out of my daughters body. It was as big as her. And it was in her hair. The 5 strands of fluff she had on her bald little baby head was covered in shit. She must have crapped while I was driving and it just worked it's way ALL OVER HER during the trip. The carseat? Fucked.

I start to panic-Tannah and being nude are not yet friends. Bathtimes were infrequent due to screaming. I take her to the WORST baby room I've ever been in. A stainless steel (cold) slab with a stinky bin in the corner. I feel grateful that I bought both disposable wipes and nappies. I strip Tans off and start to wipe all the shit from all over her body and her hair. There was screaming-lots of screaming. I was sweating and near tears. It took me TWENTY minutes and an entire container of wipes to clean her. I looked at her clothes and I threw them in the bin after her nappy.

I went up to visit and my friend looked at me and said "are you OK? you're really late and you look terrible". I told her my tale of horror and she laughed. her son was her THIRD child and she was in the "shit all over my baby in public" club already.

"Welcome to motherhood" she said. I collapsed into a chair.


Confessions of a Girl said...

LOL wow!!! ive never had it bad enough it got into their hair,but i do know poop-sploshion!Its insane, especially in public!!

Nic said...

ROFL !! ah you poor thing, that must have been truly horrid. Yes we all have a poo splosion tale or two to tell.

jonni said...

Brilliant! Been there, done that (great use of expletives by the way)

Mary Beth said...

Oh my, great story :) Been there too, my experience was on an airplane and having to deal with the explosion and poo covered baby in a tiny airplane bathroom with a lot of turbulance! I just threw his outfit away! We have had the carseat explosions too, once going into a fancy anniversary dinner...

Garden Pheenix said...

roflmao. omg I am in bits. That is awesome. My daughter once shit so much with such force that I got up, looked at her, and aching from a terribly sewn episiotomy thought, fuck this, stripped her and got in the shower with her and hosed her down. I literally wouldn't have been able to stand long enough to clean her at the changing table I was so sore. She actually LOVED it and we showed together for weeks after that ^_^

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