Saturday, October 30, 2010

Be careful what you wish for

I have spent the last 2 nights in the childrens hospital with Harper. I'll be here tonight and possibly tomorrow night as well. She is sick, very sick with a virus that we are awaiting final results on before we can give it a name, if we can.

It all started so innocently. Vomiting, diahorrea, a bit of a cough and a mild temperture. Then she developed a rash. You know, one of those rashes that you are told to go straight to the hospital when you see it. Her temperature started to climb. She was still, quiet and drowsy. When I got to the hospital I was put into priority to see someone. I started to feel sick with worry. Blood tests, IV fluid, IV antibiotics, poking, prodding-and Harper stayed still.Yesterday she barely moved. She was semi conscious most of the time and so so hot with a fever. The rash spread. All she had eaten in over 24 hours has been breastmilk, and I'm so grateful I'm breastfeeding. There was talk of lumbar puncture if no improvement in the morning.

Last night when Luke had gone home I started to cry (again) and started making bargains with the universe. Please let her be OK. Please can she get better. I hoped that some of my christian friends might have been praying too to cover my bases. I tried my favorite visulaization of me at Harper's 21st with all 3 girls as happy, healthy adults. I held her and said over and over again in my mind "Harper's body is strong, healthy and well".

Then I thought about all the things I had been wishing for lately.
"I wish she's just be still and quiet"
"I wish I could just have 5 minutes to myself"
"I wish she'd just stop once in a while"
"I wish I could just forget about the housework for a while"

I got my wish. There I was with a still, quiet toddler. With no one else to talk to and no housework to worry about. My big two girls were at home (as I write this it is the longest time I have been apart from either of them) and I had all the space I wanted.

It was a sharp reminder to be grateful for all that I have.

I have 3 beautiful, amazing children. I have a comfortable home filled with food and the people I love the best. My life is busy in a good way. My husband is my best friend. I have such fantastic friends and family both near and far, in real life and online who's support and messages and wishes have meant such a lot to me.

Harper has improved today. This morning she stood up and she gave the nuses hell when they were trying to do her obs. She has eaten half a banana. The rash has stopped growing. If she keeps improving we might get to go home tomorrow. She is still very sick and can't stay awake for more than an hour-but she is improving.

I can't wait to get her home and have her climbing, running, yelling and eating me out of house and home. I can't wait to see my big girls. I can't wait to sleep in my own bed.

And when I get home, I'm changing my wish list.


Rachael said...

Now that made me cry. I can't wait until Harper is home and giving you grief mama!!! Big hugs xx

Sif said...

It's a broken fairy wand wish, for sure :(. You know you weren't wishing for her to be sick, though, right? Be kind to yourself!

I'm looking forward to hearing she's running around with a cheeky smile on her face, leaving a trail of toys in her wake!

(((((massive hugs)))))

April B said...

Oh Shae, I am bawling. Thank you so much for sharing this. I'm so sorry you & Harper are going through this.

Much love. x

katepickle said...

I'm with Sif... be kind to yourself. No one wishes this on anyone, let alone the ones they love most.

She'll be back giving you hell and bestowing the most lovely kisses on my boy real soon, I know it

shae said...

I know I didn't wish her to be sick but it feels so much like that old saying "be careful what you wish for because you might get it". Makes me grateful for my busy toddler!

Clare said...

So much love to you and Harper.
I get what you mean about wishing for things, and that of course you didn't wish for this to happen.

Hoping for a speedy recovery. Hugs for you both.

Garden Pheenix said...

Oh sweetheart, no one in the world would have expected this outcome just because you needed a break. Be careful what you wish for is such an ugly guilt inducing mindset. Everyone needs breaks and it would have happened whether you needed one or not. Oh I wish I could hug you. No guilt Mumma! Look at you, standing by her, never leaving her side, being an epic Mum like ALWAYS. *Huge hugs*

Kat said...

I hope you are home with Harper by now, poor baby :(

Reservoir Dad said...

Jesus. Scary stuff. We went through something similar with Lewis when he had pneumonia. And felt the same way re all the thoughts I'd had about him being quieter etc. (He is by far the most excitable of the boys). So glad she's still around and kicking arse!!

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