Wednesday, July 27, 2011
When I was in labor with Willow and it came to the pointy end my mindset shifted. I felt that bulge of the head about to be born (there is always that moment for me where I think "NO WAY is THAT going to fit out THERE"-but it always does) and I started resisting. The whole labor I felt like I was able to work with my body but in this moment (and it only was a moment but it felt like so much longer than that) I fought it. Suddenly I felt panic and then pain. My midwife and doula were able to talk me off a ledge (I actually had my hand over Willows crown going nononononono) and I started to work with my body again. I started to push. And it felt good. Even though there was << pain, oh the pain and impossible feeling of being stretched and ooooopen and she is going to come out my bum owowowowow my buuuuummmmm>> but it felt somehow good and right and easier than trying to hold her head in.
Sometimes I feel like that with parenting. I feel like I resist and try to swim upstream. I start getting into battles of the wills with my kids and start working against them rather than working with. And like labor sometimes it is fucking hard to keep my head and look to the bigger picture. And even though it is not all rainbows and unicorns there is something that just feels right when we are on the same side.
And like labor there is good in the difficult and reward in the work. Sometimes you need reminding of how not to resist and how freaking out gets you nowhere fun.
And it's nice to remember that the child you are wanting to control or punish was once a wee babe in your arms and you counted their fingers and toes as your heart swelled with love and you felt grateful that such a precious creature was trusted to you for safekeeping.