Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Feeling brave

I'm doing something tomorrow that is huge for me. Something that probably isn't a huge deal for most other people. I wasn't going to post about it today in case tomorrow I fail. Again.

I developed PTSD from Tannah's birth. It has been pretty well under control for a while now, though it is never far. But I haven't had a pap smear since before I was pregnant the first time.

Until recently, every time a pap smear has been suggested to me I have had all my usual PTSD stuff happen. I can't breathe properly, I feel panicked and I start having flashbacks.

All of a sudden I feel like I'm flat on my back, passing in and out of consciousness while people are screaming and shaking me awake and telling me to PUSH while I can see an OB, with their foot on the table for leverage, pulling my baby's head so hard that I feel like it's going to come off and then seeing the vacuum with a bit of her scalp attached. All the time while I'm saying "please stop, please you're hurting me, please don't hurt my baby, wait, stop" and being ignored.

So you see my dilemma? A pap smear puts me in a similar position and I'm not sure I'm going to be able to do this without wigging out. This is the first time I've made an appointment with any intention of showing up. And I plan to do this. There may be tears but I've spoken to my GP and I know the headspace I'm in right now and I'm feeling confident.

And tomorrow Willow turns 4. Four years since I had that amazing empowering birth that made me feel like I was in control and that I was safe.

I can do this right?
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