Sunday, August 21, 2011

Fighter

LinkI've had this realization lately that I have a lot to thank the trauma of Tannah's birth for.

That day changed who I am as a person and especially as a Mother.

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One of the things I struggled so hard with in the aftermath of that day was this terrible feeling of failure. Failure because it all felt so wrong and my instincts were screaming at me to not go along with all of the interventions suggested. I failed to trust myself and instead put my faith in the system-which was not best for us in our case.

When I confronted my trauma I was so angry. Angry at being treated that way and so very angry at myself for being a "good girl" and doing what I was told even when I thought otherwise. But it made me promise myself that I would do the right thing for our kids, even if it meant going against the grain and being a massive pain in the ass to other people.

When I fell pregnant a second time I knew that having a homebirth would make some people uncomfortable-but I kept my promise and didn't back down on what I knew was right for our family. Knowing that it was MY body and MY baby made me feel so much more empowered and able to make rational decisions without taking on outside agenda.

Knowing that I could choose to say a big "fuck you" to the mainstream model of parenting made it easier to make decisions regarding how we bring up our daughters. It means I know that I don't have to answer to anyone but my kids, my husband and myself. It means I am free to trust my instincts and back them up with information and support from like minded parents.

It has been especially helpful when the time came to make the decision to unschool. When I was pregnant with Willow we decided that the hospital system wasn't going to work for us so we chose not to be a part of it. The same felt right of school. The school system is not going to work for us and we could choose to opt out. So we did. I know it is a path less traveled but it is the best choice for us.

I have wondered if I had an OK birth experience if I would have just plodded along and done what was expected. If I had had nothing to prove if we would not have this amazing freedom in our lives. Would my instincts have seemed so important? So to the experience of birth trauma. I want to say thank-you

I heard this song on the radio and the chorus pretty much sums it up.

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter




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