I saw somewhere that it was recently the 20 year anniversary of the release of Nirvana's Smells Like Teen Spirit.
WTF??!! TWENTY years!! But I remember hearing that song for the first time like it was yesterday. It was on Video Hits on a Saturday morning and I was totally hooked with the first listen. I became a huge huge Nirvana fan and was soon a grunge queen who lived in band shirts, op-shopped pants & cardigans & converse.
That song influenced my entire teen years. It shaped my musical taste and style. But it doesn't feel like it was twenty fricken years ago.
And 10 years ago I was a 22 year old pharmacy assistant who had just survived her first Melbourne winter and was enjoying a half day off-and then I turned on the TV and saw the tragedy that the world had woken up to.
Planes had been flown into the World Trade Centers twin towersand they were collapsing. I watched, weeping in absolute horror but was unable to move as they showed that footage again and again of the second plane slamming into the south tower. I remember saying aloud to no one "oh my god is that a PERSON" as I watched a man in a business suit dive out a window to his death, live on TV to the world.
Every time I see or hear about 9/11 I think of that man and how so many people saw what terror and desperation does to a human being. And I've always hoped that none of his family ever saw their father/brother/husband/friend/son in his final leap.
The feeling of being so very far from my Mum and Dad and feeling very small and scared does not feel like it was 10 years ago.
Every so often I will catch my reflection in the mirror and I am reminded that I'm not 20 anymore. Sometimes I have to fill in a form with my age and I think "really? 32? I still feel like I'm 20". Sometimes it feels so surprising to me that I have 3 kids and I have been married for almost 7 years. These are things that grown ups and responsible people do-surely that isnt' me-is it?
It's not that I'm worried about getting older and growing up but I still feel like my age does not match how I feel-and if those last 20 years have flown by so very quickly, what of the next 20?